okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
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