I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
Girls gone wild is like the hills, except sexy and it doesnt suck
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
Randomize
