thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
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