Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
Randomize
