i just smoke outta the biggest bowl i've ever seen. the kid was totally compensating for a tiny weeenie.
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
Randomize
