The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
the chair was smiling at me in sociology and i had to try not to burst out laughing.
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
I wanna get freshman fucked up and do shady things on the last Friday of my youth.
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
Randomize
