I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
