I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
my shit smells like andre
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
She found 60 bucks at the strip club. Its probabably been in a vagina but really most money probably has
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
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