I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
Lets just put it this way. Im meeting his nana after a mind blowing orgasm.
seriously considering getting an electric blanket rather than sleeping with guys this winter for warmth.
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
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