if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
if you call bong hits and onion rings a party, then yeah
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
Randomize
