i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
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