The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
I don't fucking care about the convenience of not having freudian slips. I spent 2009-2011 screwing around with 3 different Daniels. 2012 WILL be the dawn of a new day
How about a mike?
Already had two of those
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
Randomize
