I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
The freshman next to me just said "I was rocking out on my way here to Dave Matthews..." I wish I would have passed this class the first time.
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
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