your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
My lecture teach is passed out next to me. I think I'm doing pretty good for a freshman.
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
i out mim tonsoeep
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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