I'm sorry my penis didn't work
I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
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