M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
Randomize
