I may not go down in history, but i will definitely go down on your little sister.
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
Ya apperently its not "appropriate" to fuck in the school auditorium
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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