the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
Randomize
