I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
dude relax anyone of us could have gotten that girl pregnant
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
He invites me over too FucK and i wind up eating 6 jimboys tacos with his roommates. While he waited in his room. Maybe next time
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
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