sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
Randomize
