1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
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