just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
