Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
Randomize
