Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
Bad news is im a slut again. Good news is its with people ive been a slut with before.
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
I lost the back to your old name tag last night in a girls shirt. It got me a view of some titties though, I guess in some way you're still doing your brotherly deeds
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Randomize
