How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
This is most sickening thing I've ever seen, and I threw up my body weight in jello shots on my birthday.
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Randomize
