He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
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