If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
Its that time of week again, Bad life decision wednesday
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
Randomize
