He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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