I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
it is a dangerous dangerous place where morals and dignity go to die and all your fantasies about men become reality.
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
Randomize
