Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
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