I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
It was awkward until we both realized our obsessions with harry potter and sangrias were the same. Now were in love.
You need tk get a life and stop texting me about fictional characters. I don't give a shit.
Not me. I think "beastiality" sounds pretty classy.
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
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