wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
yah I made NO friends last night. at one point i think i replaced talking with spitting
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize
