her vagina looked like bernie madoff
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
Both of us came out of our rooms at the same time in boxers and sat on the couch. No words were spoken.
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
