I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
I know it's not standard practice to meet the couple you donate to, but i'm curious as to what kind of people saw my picture and said, we want that girl's eggs
being pregnant is like rehab
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
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