I like bacon cheeseburgers and the pussycat dolls
Does that mean you want me to loosen up your buttons at carls jr?
my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
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