Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
I got a hennah tattoo of my room number on my arm...I love spring break in Mexico!
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
i get of class at 4. it takes me 17 minutes to walk home and 3 to load a bowl. thank you, priority registration.
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
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