Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
The only thing I really remember is repeating "I hope I still have a job on Monday". Oh and pulling my boob out of my dress.
So I take it the company Christmas dinner went well then...
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
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