i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
But it's a terrible idea. One erection and it's gonna go wrong
one of them held the wheel while the other one changed her pants. while driving. on the thruway. what
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
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