dude, the reading rainbow guy was just talking to a HOLOGRAM
Are you sure you're not watching Star Trek?
wait... oh
I haven't even gone in yet. I'm sitting in the waiting room playing a game i like to call "Who else is here for AA".
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
they call him Oral-B. enough said
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize