He asked to "fluff my boner.."
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
Most people that see those numbers aren't going to realize what they mean and those that do will think 'oh those must be her favorite hockey players' and not 'oh she wants to see those hockey players fuck each other'.
Randomize
