K, im just throwing this out there, i am not making out with any of his friends... Especially the cross eyed one.
i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
I NEED TO NOT REMEMBER THIS IN THE MORNING. He is our TEACHER.
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
