New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
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