I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
It's like the sisterhood of the traveling vaginas over here
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
Randomize
