It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
Randomize
