tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
Randomize
