I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
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