the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
