She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
Randomize
