i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
bruce springsteen sings some of the most romantic songs i've ever heard.
the hells wrong with u
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
Freshman ate returning to campus. Let Operation Slut Storm commence.
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
