does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
So I just went to clothing optional bar
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
Randomize
